A little here and there

I won’t leave you with nothing people… don’t worry… busy busy today… so here’s a little to tide you over.

I’m turning all my dollars into Mr.Peanut dollars. Awesome:

Re-facing money

This guy wrote a book about when he was on the game show Jeopardy but I’m putting his blog here because he put pictures from his trip to Chile up where he encountered the worlds smallest deer species and my new favorite animal name to say:

Pudu Pudu

I’ve never done acid… but man… maybe I should look into it, it certainly kept him going:

Albert Hofmann father of LSD dead today at 102

And this will kill some time provided you can watch video… I love this guy… they just interviewed him for Time magazine or something… I’ve linked to a few of his videos before but now he has a whole bunch.. they crack me up and are informative:

You suck at photo shop

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A very special episode of Blossom

Every morning my alarm goes off and the radio station I’m tuned into kicks on with a typical morning talk show where the guys have names like Schnauzer and The Dangle. (I don’t know what there names are actually, I don’t pay that much attention, I couldn’t even tell you what station it is.) This morning the topic was salary. They were taking calls from people to discuss an article in the paper that said salary isn’t a defining characteristic anymore. In the 80s and 90s it was very much you are what you make… now we tend to judge people more on who they are, by their actions, by their treatment of others. Refreshing right? They took a call from a woman who said, “I’m in the lower bracket in terms of salary among my friends, but they all hate their jobs, and I enjoy going to work every morning so they all envy me.” It was kind of serendipitous, considering the thoughts that have been going through my head lately. My body has been all out of whack lately… (in fact not to be gross, but I threw up again this morning… I guess I’m not over whatever it was that had me so messed up this weekend) I kind of think it has a lot to do with stress. Stress over not just work, but lack of happiness. Don’t run with that sentiment and take it to mean that I’m depressed, despondent, and ready to dispatch myself… I’m just saying there is not a lot of joy going on through out my day. It’s not good for the soul to not smile for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week… it will mess you up… I know.

Someone was holding the camera. If it was a friend, it’s not a very nice one. If it was a parent… how dare they put this on the internet. If the kid taped the camera to the cat and this was all his doing… I just don’t know what to say:

Are you a defender of net neutrality? Are you a virgin? Do you want to lose your virginity? Time to email Tania:

Defenders of net neutrality sex application

Of all the weird ass things to dedicate a website to… this is easily in the top 5000:

Bad Spock drawings

Not making the list, Operation Reversible Panda, Operation Hooray For Everything, Operation Chris is bad at naming things:

25 Least Inspiring Military Operation Names

Our dearly deposed governor Spitzer has not yet become a movie of the week (to my knowledge) but thankfully the porn industry is on top of it… so to speak… with Gov Love: The Elliot Splitz-her Story:

As I seem to have several friends who have found themselves pregnant recently… including Amy Poehler, congrats… I leave this here as a public service:

Illustrated Dos and Don’ts of Pregnancy

If you’ve been to my apartment you know the rules:

I’ve never been the obsessive type about a pet… but I have to admit that poster is pretty cool… and I’m pretty sure I know what my roommate is getting for Xmas now:

15 Pet products we can’t believe exist

This is the awesomest idea ever… this guy sent letters to famous and infamous people posing as a 10 year old contemplating dropping out of school… nothing tops the letter from Charlie Manson… if you ever wondered just how bat-sh*t crazy that guy is … check this out:

Billy’s letters

This man takes pictures of my nightmares… I’m truly frightened:

Joshua Hoffine photography

Finally today, someone has taken a great Eddie Izzard bit about Darth Vader and Legoized it:

The calm after the storm

So I spent most of the weekend contorted into a little crampy ball. I am back at work today. At about 85% of myself. I gotta say I’ve mentally checked out of life this morning. Well, life as I currently know it. I have a chance at a couple of jobs this week (not interviews per se, but opportunities) that might afford me the chance to get away from the day job I’m currently at. I’ll be honest, if one of these doesn’t pan out… I really might disappear for a day and spend it crying. I’m not ashamed to admit that.  I was in a room last night where at one point I just spun in a circle and saw Morgan Freeman, Denis Leary, Frances McDormand, Steve Martin, Lorne Michaels, Mike Nichols, Amy Adams.  It was kind of ridiculous, the wattage in that room.  I am feeling more and more like I’m standing on the wrong side of the fence so to speak.  It’s time for me hop over.

Even this… this blog… it was a nice experiment I guess… I’ve posted now for an entire year. Starting on the myspace blog and recently moving here. 5 days a week for 365 days… over 3,000 links… over 30,000 hits… now I don’t know… it might just be over… I don’t have the energy… it might just be how I’m feeling today… I’m going through a rough one. I still don’t feel great, I miss my girlfriend, I really don’t want to be at this desk anymore, my coffee tastes horrible, I’m not even speaking to anyone in my office, I guess we’ll see how all this pans out. Until I figure it all out, it’ll be business as usual.

I guess it’s just a sign that I’m getting older that I no longer agree with half the picks on lists like this. I mean come on! Where is Valerie Bertinelli? Where is Chynna Wilson? Who is this Megan Fox girl?

FHM 100 Hottest Women of 2008

I would embed this, but as my friend Maddog says, my blog is like the Wu Tang Clan, it’s for the kids. I actually talked about this song a long time ago, but now it has an official video so it’s worth mentioning again since it’s a soon to be classic R&B ballad:

Smell Yo Dick

See, this is more wholesome, Miss Piggy… singing that classic by Peaches, “Fuck the Pain Away.”:

Now I know why computers come with 15 USB ports these days… my lame ass computer only has 3… how can I be expected to choose which crappy device to buy?:

10 Useless USB powered devices

Thank god for this website, it has been giving me lists that are basically suggestions for my netflix cue for quite some time now. There are some things on here that I can’t believe I’ve missed:

35 Most disgusting scenes from horror films

To balance that out… I’ve never been a fan of teen dramas, but I am a fan of their stars, especially when they try to tarnish their teen drama image by going topless:

10 Best topless scenes by teen drama stars

I used to call Innerspace, “the guy inside a guy movie,” which I see know can be horribly misinterpreted:

Movies through a child’s eyes

The first 30 seconds of this there is no video, but it kicks in… the first time this much THC has been on stage since Thomas Hayden Church accepted his nomination for Sideways (I’ll give you a second)… Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg duet:

If poisoning your body like the 74 year old country star and the 6’4″ hip hop mogul isn’t your bag… try some of these to get into their groove:

7 Common foods that actually get you high

If I could live anywhere, I would totally want to move to Mithlond, that’s the Elvish port town from Lord of the Rings. Those elf chicks are hot, and the place looks totally serene and beautiful. (My geek quotient just went up another 5 points):

8 Fictional cities you wouldn’t want to live in

I remember feeling like this on several occasions in my life, but I never followed through as well with the reaction:

What not to do when she says she has a boyfriend

Movie Day

You know how when the teacher was sick… they would come in to work and declare a movie day? That’s what this is… welcome to movie day.

I don’t know if this is the true story… I kinda doubt it… but, the story goes Trey Parker and Matt Stone were hired to do a corporate video for Universal after they were bought by Seagram’s in 1995. The result is the best corporate video ever… tons of cameos including within the first two minutes, Steven Speilberg bashing the Jaws ride at Universal Studios (here it is in 2 parts):

Ladies and gentleman… I present to you Tommy Seebach with… Apache:

Since anyone old enough to remember him, probably doesn’t understand computers and can’t navigate to this site anyway… I thought I should expose you all to a comedy legend… I give you Ernie Kovacs as “Mr.Science”:

It’s shocking how many things are socially acceptable or at the very least seem normal when you’re in a pool that aren’t so much when you’re not:

Mr. Rogers, you filthy bitch:

And finally… though it is probably being taken down as we speak… Eddie Murphy RAW in it’s entirety (I can’t embed this one so you’ll have to go elsewhere to watch it):

Eddie Murphy RAW

102

So all that twisting of my insides yesterday… apparently wasn’t in my head.  I got home and took my temperature which was sitting at about 102 degrees.  I promptly fell asleep and didn’t wake up til this morning.  In the past 24 hours I have eaten nothing but 2 pieces of toast.  I didn’t go to work today but I can’t pass up this opportunity that I have at a casting office today.  So I have to go do that at 2.  Then I have tickets to Boeing Boeing tonight.  I am going to go back to bed for another couple of hours.

Twisted inside and out

As I mentioned yesterday I’m going to be out of the office a bit the next two days because I have some pretty good opportunities arising in the media industry. I still might as well be at square one. See for those of you not in the know about how this acting thing works is you have to audition to be cast in something. You have to have a special card to get you into certain auditions, how does one get this card you may ask… easy… by being cast in a show that you need a card to get into the auditions. Sound impossible. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

There is an audition on Friday for a play coming to Broadway called Orphans, with two roles that are kinda perfect for me. The lead in the show has already been cast with Al Pacino in the lead. The audition is at least being held at Telsey which is a casting office and not at the building that I can’t even get into without a card. So my only shot at getting in is to go and sign up and hope that they see people without cards, which is a rarity, but if it does happen it usually because you sat there all day and waited patiently… which I can’t do on Friday because I will be at a network reading for some suits. Such is my life.

As if that wasn’t enough. There is a storm. It is a violent storm set to reek havoc on all it touches. This storm is inside me. I don’t know what I ate… but dear lord in heaven above make this stop. It’s been a turbulent morning. I’d feel kinda gross for even bringing this up but then I remembered Everyone Poops, in fact I recently found out that Everything Poops. (As I’ve mentioned before, I know some women who find that word detestable, but it ain’t my fault, that’s the name of the book) I got Ginger Ale and pepto for breakfast, so we’ll see how that goes. Again, I am sorry if I offended anyone’s delicate sensibilities.

Something I posted a long time ago… when campaigning for this election started, back in aught-five I think. But it’s good to throw here again just so you can help cut through the BS. Turns out I should be voting for exactly who I thought I was going to be voting for:

Who should you vote for?

I am too impressed by the sets and costumes to not put this clip here for everyone to see… A romantic sub-plot deleted scene from the original Star Wars:

No wonder I had such issues with Estonia yesterday, they’re all blotto on 2 dollar pints. How do I know? I can tell you how much a pint of beer is just about anywhere:

Pint Price

I hadn’t looked at this site in forever… for some reason I thought of it today… there is something so satisfying about watching stick figures get hurt really bad… some of the animations are actually quite impressive:

Stick Figure Death Theater

I’m surprised they didn’t latch on to the trend of making “darker,” and “feasible,” versions of characters… not that I’m knocking the practice… I’m actually quite pleased:

Pointless laws all comic book movies follow

Ahh, the NFL draft… only 3 and a half months to pre-season… the world is right again:

The worst drafting choices of the modern era

It’s time for a trip to the surreal… with… Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man… and Cream:

I’m glad someone is checking on that Martha Stewart. Sneaky one she is:

Counting Martha’s Threadcount

I have come to a point in my internet exploring life where no fetish will ever shock me again. I barely batted an eyelash when I found this:

Poorly photo shopped models being squeezed by snakes

Remember when Arsenio Hall used to do, “things that make you go hmm…?” No. You’re all too young to remember that. Well… this is like that, written by copywriter Justin Feinstein these are analogies to live by:

Blank is like Blank

WTF Estonia?

I’m going to be really busy the next couple of weeks… in and out of the office with auditions and what not (I’m not expecting anything to come of it other than connections and face-time, but I’m going to be meeting some really cool/powerful people, so keep your fingers crossed for me)… as a result I may be posting at odd times… there may not be as much hilarity as always… but I’ve saved some good things to tide you over, I may even put some stuff together and schedule it to post itself!  Technology!

I have no words:

Priest missing after floating away with party balloons

There is nothing better than watching a home shopping network personality make a complete and total ass of themselves… I hadn’t seen most of these… I think the delusional horse moth guy is my favorite:

7 Greatest Home Shopping Screw-up of all time

I actually had my mom mail me a whole bunch of my old legos a couple of years ago.  Not surprising that I’m a big child but… seriously… sometimes I get nostalgic and I like to play with my legos:

Intricate, massive, lego structures

I’ve posted a collection like this before, but there are some new ones in here:

Inappropriately named businesses

Okay… I couldn’t make it through this entire video… I don’t expect any of you to either… but what the F*#$ is going on in Estonia?!?!  Is this chubby guys behavior with the child in any way shape or form appropriate?  For Chrissakes there is an entire audience of people in party hats… someone do something.  Unless of course this is some bizarre Estonian Pedophilic Eyes Wide Shut party.  Jesus!  I am disturbed!:

C’mon… what’s going on today?!?  These must be produced in Estonia… I know nothing of that place but I’ve decided to hate on them today:

Animal genitalia dildoes

What do you want to bet that “slicker,” Minnie left him for was from Estonia… bastard:

Mickey Mouse considers suicide

Texas is the Estonia of the United States:

Texas Polygamist Wives Wall Calendar

Officially the worst historical figure death: Herod the Great (runner up Arius: for voiding his own organs), Best Historical death: In my sure to be contested opinion, a tie: Felix Faure for a fatal sexing, and Chrysippus for laughing at a fig eating donkey (it’s not like Judd Aptow was making movies yet).  Seems ridiculous but let’s face it, there are worse ways to go than laughing to death:

Historical Figures who died odd deaths

Curse you Chic-Fil-A

As I posted on Friday, I enjoyed a chicken biscuit at Mickey D’s which was reminiscent of the breakfast sandwiches at Chic-Fil-A.  A friend posted a comment that there was in fact a franchise here in the city.  Another comment from a fellow chic-thusiast revealed it was true.  Unfortunately the fil-a-locator comes with a caveat.  It states, “This unit my have restricted access to the public.”  See… it’s inside an NYU dining hall.  So now if need my chic-fil-a-fix, I have to enroll in NYU classes?  Am I expected to stand outside in a trench coat like an addict, offering students money, and/or sexual acts just to go in and buy me a delicious chicken sandwich and a large waffle fry?  Bastards!

As far as my weekend went… saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall… loved it… my roomie summed it up best, “it was everything I wanted Knocked Up to be.”  Exactly.  Worked an awfully boring event on Saturday… it was a little bit of extra scratch which is always a blessing, but unfortunately it made me completely unavailable for the bachelor party I was supposed to attend.  I’m sure it will be horrible but I’m afraid I will have to take the groom out for a second mini-bachelor-party.  I did an improv show last night, and had a surprisingly decent crowd for a Sunday.  I’m doing another one again tonight, though I may only be doing tech, but considering the rate that my castmates are falling victim to a flu bug… I may wind up jumping into the show.  We shall see.

I’m going to kick today off with a video from a relationship website… if only because my roommate is in said video. Nothing wrong with shameless promotion of one’s friends:

If you work at a company where your boss would have any reason to say this phrase, “We’re not the mean waterboarding company that people think we are,” it’s time to start sending out resumes:

Team-building through torture

Ok… it’s a Monday… some of us need something naughty to look at… more importantly I’m going to conduct my own experiment… you see wordpress has this awesome feature that will show you exactly what people typed into google to find your blog. This is based mostly on the ‘tags’ and for the most part I get hits from odd things like, “country girl freeman.” But I get a significant boost whenever I tag things like “naked asians,” or “rockstar nude scenes.” Yes, the internet is for porn… we know that… but this experiment is so much more. I’m going to tag each of the Baywatch babes individually along with the word topless and we’ll see how many hits I get per name… place your bets now:

10 Best Baywatch stars topless scenes

I know how this guy feels… sometimes mall bathrooms can just be disgusting, why bother going into one at all when you can just…:

Take a dump in a potted plant… in the middle of the mall

Now I don’t know much about coaching a baseball team… but I would’ve pulled my pitcher long before it became a concern over, “protecting his pitching arm.” Much less would I call it a pitching arm:

66 runs in less than 2 innings

One technique is all I ever really needed… I didn’t think it was complicated. It’s not a chili recipe… I thought everyone kinda did it the same way. I am absolutely shocked to find there are more ways to do it:

Top 5 masturbation techniques

Nor did I know there were so many euphemisms for the above process:

Consulting with your silent partner

I’m a day late for all you 420 celebrators… but frankly if you celebrated the day yesterday, you’re probably not sure what day it is today:

Inventive and Unique bongs (for tobacco use only)

Apologies to non-gamers… not that I’m a gamer… but you know… some people enjoy this sort of thing…:

Best video game story lines ever

This really is more of a Friday video but… I couldn’t wait to share this one… it brings me such joy. A little after the 3 minute mark it gets even more uncomfortable… if you can fathom that… this may be the greatest piece of cinema about an elderly phone sex worker ever… it’s probably the only piece of cinema, but I don’t think anyone can ever top this:

Hungover

Few things to discuss… firstly I am very hungover. Did the Catered Affair opening night party last night. A good time was had by all. Kathy Lee Gifford touched my elbow and my crush on Rachel Dratch is a little bigger than it was previously. I am just glad I put the links together yesterday so I don’t have to do that right now and you guys still get your weekend fix.

Secondly… maybe it’s just because of my current state but I was way too excited this morning to get breakfast at McDonalds… and my excitement just about propelled me into the stratosphere when I noticed that Mickey D’s now sells a southern style chicken biscuit for breakfast. It’s not Chic-Fil-A but it’s damn close. If there is anyone hear in NY with the kind of scratch to open a Chic-Fil-A franchise in NY… do it. You’d have Sundays off, and you’d make a killing! Hell, just my purchases would keep you afloat.

Thirdly… this compare friends application on Facebook is evil… they send you little updates to let you know where you stand. I deleted it once but re-added it because I wanted to vote for my girlfriend as hottest, and smartest. Well… I don’t know how long I can keep it installed because it’s not great to start your day with such self-esteem crushing emails such as:

“Your friends have voted on your strengths and weaknesses:

STRENGTHS:
smartest
most tech-savvy
nicest smelling
most cuddly

WEAKNESSES:
craziest
most confident

* you were voted ‘better at science’ than Sydnie Grosberg Ronga”

I don’t even know who Sydnie is… but I’m glad I’m better at ‘science.’ I guess being weak in the craziest category is a good thing… but… smartest? most tech-savvy? nicest smelling? most cuddly? So I’m a fat nerd who wears perfume? What the hell people? Are you supposed to be my friends or what? Vote for me for sexiest, person you’d most want to make out with, person you’d most want to ‘do.’ That’s where the real glory lies… shallow traits!

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that if you get pulled over under suspicion of DUI, before the alphabet, before touching your nose, before the breathalizer… if you do this… you’re going to jail, it’s the only thing worse than pissing ‘off’ the cops:

Pissing ‘on’ the cops

All violence in mainstream entertainment makes me giggle like a school girl… but I’m an odd duck… these however are fodder that anyone can enjoy:

10 Acts of brutal violence that will make you laugh

Fact is… I’m not that much of an odd duck… there are perfectly rational explanations as to why I enjoy stuff like that without having to vivisect small animals:

Five reasons to watch movies that hurt you haunt you and make you want to vomit

Why had we not thought of checking here before… seriously… didn’t you see Lake Placid… those things are unstoppable:

Antibiotic properties of alligator blood being studied

I wonder if there is a chapter on Mommy’s low self-esteem and Daddy’s waning interest in sex:

Children’s book about Mommy’s plastic surgery

Holy crap!:

In case you are absolutely retarded… I just wanted you to know that the clip above was made as an April Fools Day joke by the BBC… those guys kick ass at that sort of thing.

These are all obnoxious for different reasons, some because they are bigger than any one person, or indeed multi-generational family would need, and some just cus they’re tacky:

9 Obnoxious Celebrity Homes

When Steve Martin is not acting he must always have a pen in hand because he is constantly writing. Even little pieces for Chicago newspapers:

Steve Martin’s Bad Neighbor Diary

I don’t play a lot of online games… (I’m not counting Xbox Live dues to the non-inclusion of texting) but what I have played this seems pretty hilariously accurate:

If WWII had been fought online

As far as I’m concerned… this is a pretty good list, though I am a Bourbon drinker so that by proxy is the manliest drink of all… one issue… no matter what they say, having a pink drink at the top of this list cannot be justified… it’s gotta go:

10 Manliest Drinks

I personally would hope I was wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts… you know… to keep it classy:

Top 10 shirts to be arrested in

I figure by now we’ve all seen the amazing opera singer guy and the little chorus boy from Britain’s Got Talent. America’s got talent has guys who play the spoons and quick change artists. We suck. We’re not even awesome on the same level as Holland who at least has hot chicks with really really hot tattoos:

Holland’s Got Strippers

They’re not the Post but CNN does sometimes have really poorly constructed headlines, this guy has taken notice of some of the good ones:

Illustrated CNN headlines

Ladies and gentleman… I have no words… I leave you this so that you may repeatedly watch it over the weekend… These are Japanese people (some in black face) impersonating the entire cast of We Are the World (pay special attention to the ooo’s and ahh’s each singer garners due to what I assume is the perceived uncanniness of their impression):

I’m going to see the Kids in the Hall Live tonight… bachelor party tomorrow… I’m doing an improv show Sunday night and working tech at the comedy club on Monday.

I’m a little nauseous

I came in to work this morning and I hate to sound girlie… but I am seriously so bloated my pants don’t fit correctly. My stomach is doing somersaults and I just don’t feel, “right.” I’ll leave it at that. Well… my boss just arrived having had an epidural yesterday because he threw his back out. One of the ladies in my office says, “tell us all about it!” Yeah, that exclamation point belongs there… she said it with that much enthusiasm. I pleaded, “we don’t need to hear the details~” (I put the ~ there because I needed a place holder for a punctuation that doesn’t exist yet. The opposite of an exclamation point, it ends a sentence in defeat) I was met with her rebuttal paired with a dirty look, “I’m interested.” Fabulous, because she’s interested my boss must now go through the process from cleaning the area straight through the radiation expanding his spinal column to make room for the fluid. And I am forced to listen.

None of this helped my gastrointestinal situation. I have a long day ahead of me. After work I am working the Catered Affair opening night party. Rubbing elbows with the celebrities in the show I didn’t enjoy all that much. So that’s all very exciting.

Regarding yesterdays American Idol predictions… there goes my record… I think I’m still number one in my fantasy league (Yes, I’m in an American Idol Fantasy League… I’m sorry, without football I get confused) but alas KLC is gone. The crush I had on her died when I started noticing her little mustache, and now her Idol journey has died as well. Time to throw all my good vibes behind Carly until I find a flaw in her. Because if anything the show is more about shallow trait based popularity and not singing ability.

I am already waiting for football season… I really don’t care about baseball or basketball, or what’s that other one… oh yeah, hockey. I never used to be that into football… in fact in the 80’s I thought it was a little gay. I wonder what gave me that impression?:

The untold dangers of smoking… this poor guy working in his office late on a Friday goes downstairs for a cigarette. On his way back up the elevator stalls… he remains in said elevator for 41 hours. I’m fairly certain I would have shit myself… around hour 24 I would have lit up a cigarette and waited for alarms to go off and bring the fire department… i would think after 24 hours they would have forgiven you… this guy instead plays with doors, takes things out of his wallet and has a pretend tea party with them… you can watch the entirety of his ordeal here in condensed form:

41 hours in an elevator

Whoever owns the licensing rights for Jesus’ image is really letting it go to just about anything. These retailers have to realize that 50% of their sales is to college kids own buy them to own or wear ironically:

Ridiculous christian themed products

I scored 70% and I couldn’t be more shocked that I did:

What’s your Obama-IQ?

They have built a library in Bogata literally out of sticks and stones. I think we should go totally retro and we should all go back to wearing loin cloths and clubbing our dinner:

Villanueva Public Library in Colombia

Considering I recently rented Santa’s Slay on Netflix… it astounds me that some film are so bad, they don’t even bother releasing them on DVD (which costs like a nickel to produce):

10 Things so bad, you can’t even get them on DVD

You’ll find it odd that this list doesn’t include me… I was disqualified when no woman interviewed would admit to having sex with me:

7 Astounding Sexual Resumes

(Moving on from famous fucks… ) He didn’t make this list, so it hurts the chances of my dream coming true of a Darkwing Duck live action movie:

10 Famous Ducks

No one delivers bad news like DeForest Kelly:

The reason James Dean remains such an icon is because all the pictures we have of him are cool as shit… because he was a posturing expert:

The James Dean Guide to Bad-ass body language

The concept itself coupled with the execution makes this brilliant:

How many naked Japanese women can you fit in a phonebooth?

Forget Zach and Slater… little did we know… the principal is pimp!:

The Life and Times of Mr.Belding

The commentary on this is brilliant…poor Antwan Jamison… listen for the “oooooo” in unison: