From New Orleans to New York

April 4, 2008

For those of you who don’t know, I was born and raised in New Orleans, LA. An adorable little girl, the daughter of a friend of a family recently sent me a letter. Her fourth grade class is doing a project to learn about all fifty states. It was addressed to “Mr. Chris,” which in and of itself I feel is a very New Orleans thing. Everyone when I was a child was Mr. or Ms., but it was never last name, it was always first name… it just seems odd to me in retrospect, but I digress. She sent me a survey to fill out with information on my state and asked that I send her class postcards. I bought 14 postcards to send with every imaginable landmark and filled out the survey, I’d like to share with you things that I found out about the state and city I live in that I didn’t know… it’s kind of sad but I’m willing to bet that most of you didn’t know these things either.

  • There are 842 miles of subway track below NYC.
  • Toilet paper was invented by John Gayetty (giggle) in 1857 in NYC.
  • Adirondack Park is larger that Yellowstone, Yosemite, Olympic and Grand Canyon combined.
  • Central Park is larger than the entirety of Monaco.
  • Broadway is one of the longest streets in the world at 150 miles, it goes from Bowling Green all the way to Albany and is officially known as Highway 9.

Are you as blown away by those facts as I am? Or am I just an idiot? Don’t answer that.

Robert Wuhl (yeah the guy that was on Arli$$, the show that no one watched) did a special called Assume the Position that I thought was amazing. He picks a few stories that we were told in history class and tells you the truth behind the lies. If you don’t know who Israel Bissell is… that’s because some lying teacher told you a story about Paul Revere. Seriously… it’s on Netflix… get that thing, it’ll blow your mind:

5 Lies you were told in history class

I have never seen someone who exhibits such poor choice of words:

It’s good to have the meat in your mouth

This has no reason to be as funny as it is… but Jeff Goldblum’s speech pattern is strange to begin with… but if you slow it down a touch… he becomes a drunken ass:

This list isn’t all that impressive, I could name 5 types of navel lint stronger than the US dollar:

7 video game currencies stronger than the US dollar

There are several disturbing things about this list, firstly, the theme. Secondly, Hard Candy is not on the list. Thirdly, they still came up with 12 of them:

12 Most Painful film castrations

Self defense is important… but why try to hurt only your attackers? That seems unfair, you should hurt yourself in the process just to be polite:

13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Products

“Hey Ted, I want you to design a video game.” “Ok, sure, what’s the theme?” “Parking.” “Parking?” “Of course, what’s more fun than parking?!”:

Quick park

It’s true.. it exists. Where are you from?:

Fucking Austria

Guess where I want to go this summer? I will however decline attending the weenie roast:

Porn camp

This is inspiring. You can add to this list the religion of every woman I’ve dated. Of course they only worship mine. It’s pretty spectacular. A few of them have built shrines. It’s kind of embarrassing but my penis being a deity does give me some pretty sweet tax breaks:

5 Religions that worship penises (or is it penii?)

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

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2 Responses to “From New Orleans to New York”

  1. SPOILER! SPOILER!

    You know technically Hard Candy can’t be on the castration list, since it doesn’t really happen…

    It would be like nominating Jack Black for an Oscar….when it doesn’t really count as acting, can you reward it?

  2. reversiblepanda said

    It doesn’t really happen… you mean I’ve been avoiding seeing that film because everyone told me there is a graphic castration scene and there isn’t one??!?!? Finally another Ellen Page movie to add to the spank bank… though… that one might still be a creepy addition.

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