The time has come… while my posts have been infrequent… it’s time to get my ass in gear and do what I have to. I’ve even hot linked the titles of the movies (up to a point, I’ll update later in the summer) to their trailer on youtube.  You’re welcome.  Still my most viewed post every year… it’s time for:

The ReversiblePanda’s Guide to Summer Movies 2010

We will start the guide with the first REAL release of the summer… Iron Man 2:

(All dates subject to change)

MAY 7th

  • Iron Man 2 – Seriously… if this isn’t on your calendar… put it there now.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Got it?  Good.  The first one exceeded my expectations so greatly, it will be easy for this one to fall short.  While the preliminary reviews aren’t exactly glowing, I feel most of them are comparing it to the first which is unfair because the first was damn near a perfect film.  Take the original, subtract Hustle & Flow guy and put in Don Cheadle (a far superior actor), toss in Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell and garnish with Scarlett Johansson.  I’ll be there in the packed theater at midnight.
  • Babies – A documentary.  Think Planet Earth only without all the cool animals and far away vistas.  Just babies.  Okay, yeah, pretty cute and easy to market.  Maybe I’ll add it to my netflix queue.
  • Casino Jack and the United States of Money – Another documentary.  This one about Jack Abramoff.  Remember that guy.  Not as cute as a baby.  If you need to see a documentary as palate cleanser after the pants raising awesomeness of Iron Man 2 I suggest the one above, not so much this one.
  • Mother and Child – Annette Bening, Naomi Watts, and Kerry Washington, A drama centered around three women: A 50-year-old woman, the daughter she gave up for adoption 35 years ago, and an African American woman looking to adopt a child of her own.  Apparently the counter programming to Iron Man is baby fever.
  • Multiple Sarcasms – Timothy Hutton, and Mira Sorvino in a movie about a guy who writes a play.  The title is pretty witty… and the poster looks like a cover of the New Yorker… and that’s probably about all you need to know to decide whether or not you’ll see this one.
  • Solitary Man – a former owner of a car dealership chain whose career and marriage were destroyed by his business and romantic indiscretions starring… Michael Douglas.  Is it just me or has Michael Douglas turned into the low-rent version of Michael Douglas?

May 14th

  • Just WrightOh yes!  Queen Latifah rom-com!  With Common… as a basketball star!!!  You know I am going to … avoid this like the plague.
  • Letters to JulietIs this the one where Amanda Seyfried is 9 kinds of naked and making out with Julianne Moore?  No.  I’ll pass.
  • Robin Hood – Now this is what I’m talking about.  It’s like a sequel to Gladiator with arrows instead of swords.  It’s my first Russell Crowe movie since 3:10 to Yuma that I’m rally geeked about.  It’s not all Russell though… Cate Blanchett as Marion and Mark Strong who quite frankly might be the coolest bad guy in film to come along in a while.  Screenplay by Brian Helgeland?!!  Oh for fucks sake just buy my ticket now.

May 21st

  • MacGruberHere’s where I tell you why you should give this movie a chance, seeing as how it’s based on a series of 1 minute long SNL sketches.  Two words: Val Kilmer.  Why should that convince you?  Because he plays a villain named Dieter Von Cunth.  If that in conjunction with Will Forte doesn’t get you excited… you and I probably don’t hang out much.
  • Shrek Forever AfterPlus = Jon Hamm and Jane Lynch join the cast.  Minus = everything else.  It’ll probably be fine… have a couple of drinks and watch it at home on DVD.

May 27th

Nothing comes out today.  Oh… Sex and the City 2… but I refuse to give it so much as a bullet point.

May 28th

  • Agora – A historical drama set in Roman Egypt, concerning a slave who turns to the rising tide of Christianity in the hopes of pursuing freedom while also falling in love with his master, the famous female philosophy professor and atheist Hypatia of Alexandria.  Meh.  Wait… Rachel Weisz is playing Hypatia.  I’m in.  I would watch her read a phonebook.  Hell! I would watch her take a shit.  Okay… maybe not that… but I’ll totally watch her in a toga.  Tunic.  Whatever.
  • MicmacsI know nothing about this movie other than it’s a fantasy comedy about a guy with a bullet in his brain who takes down an arms manufacturer… but… it’s directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet.  This is the guy who directed Delicatessen, Alien:Resurrection and City of Lost Children which is easily my favorite foreign film.  Regardless of anything else, the visuals should be stunning.
  • Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – Speaking of visuals… no I’m not talking about Jake Gyllenhablegabblehalls abs.  I’m talking about the whirling sand, the parkour stunts, all of the Mummy-esque special effects.  I do have higher expectations than you would expect for this one though… it may look all summer blockbuster sugar with no nourishment but it’s directed by the same guy that directed Donnie Brasco… so fingers crossed.
  • Survival of the DeadHow can the “dead,” “survive?”  That just doesn’t make sense.  But then, George Romero’s been slipping lately.  Much respect to him for being the ‘creator’ of the zombie genre, but his last one… yikes… the zombies weren’t half as scary as the production values… zing!

June 4th

  • Get Him to the GreekI still have no idea if this is supposed to be a sequel or a “companion piece” to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It’s got Russell Brand as a rock star and Jonah Hill as a fat guy.  Are they the same rock star and fat guy from the other movie?  Who knows.  But it’ll probably have some funny bits.
  • KillersTrue Lies.  Except with Ashton Kutcher as the super-spy who didn’t tell his wife that he was a super-spy.
  • MarmadukeDamn you Emma Stone… your hotness is being wasted.  George Lopez in another movie about a dog.  Sure it’s a famous dog, and sure my girlfriend will probably make me go see it, but I won’t enjoy anything about it except Emma.
  • OndineThe original mythology behind Ondine is an immortal water nymph who have no soul unless a man impregnates them and they bear a child.  Sort of like the little mermaid crossed with a succubus.  It looks pretty classy and Colin Ferrell has impressed me lately, this might be a nice summer palette cleanser in between explosiongasm movies.
  • SpliceDoctors in love splicing DNA.   Splice Dr.Moreau and Altered States and have Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody create huffalumps… I give you Splice.

June 11th

  • The A-TeamThe first high profile retread of this week.  The trailer looks like it will be full of preposterous action sequences.  Shooting from a tank that’s been dropped from a plane… really?  That has never stopped me before.  I will go.  If just to watch Rampage Jackson crush things.
  • The Karate KidGod damn it!!! Leave my childhood alone.  Will Smith’s spawn in the Ralph Macchio role and Jackie Chan filling Pat Morita’s sandals… just stop.  Hopefully this will get decimated by the A-Team, but it probably won’t.  It’s family friendly and gen-x’ers like myself will bring their kids in droves… might I suggest you stay home and rent the original.  Damnitall!!!
  • Winter’s BoneI know absolutely nothing about this film except that it will make approximately 29 dollars on its opening weekend.  Ok, it won Sundance… which means it’s good… but… the only reason you open a film with no stars on a day with two potential blockbusters in the summer is to fulfill a contractual obligation.  Good luck finding this one at the theaters.

June 18th

  • I Am LoveTilda Swinton is good in everything she does.  Here I’m sure is no exception.  I also have never seen a movie starring Tilda Swinton on the big screen, only on cable, long after it has left the theater.  This I’m sure is no exception.
  • Jonah HexFor the uninitiated, Jonah Hex is based on a comic about a disfigured gunslinger bounty hunter who wears a confederate army uniform.  If it stays as bloody as the comic it’ll be worth it.  Brolin’s make-up looks great so it’s a good sign.  Megan Fox is the hottie of the film and I don’t think I’m the only one who’s over her completely… I’m not thrilled about her, but she will admittedly look good in a corset… better to do that here than in a period drama.
  • Let It RainOriginal title: Parlez-moi de la pluie.  Sorry… not seeing a French film in the middle of June… I just won’t do it.
  • Toy Story 3Silly Andy, going off to college and donating your toys to a day care… I hope you realize that you still want to live at home as a man child and leave college to come back and rescue your toys from the day care… oh … is that what happens?  Did I ruin the movie for you?  Sorry.

June 25th

  • DogtoothI don’t know what this movie is, or where it’s from.  You’ve got 3 teenagers living in a isolated estate (is it even on earth??) who create a new language and then discover sex which inevitably tears them apart.  So… I’ll call this one… The Others in the Blue Lagoon.
  • Grown UpsA cast of comedy all-stars!!  Well… Adam Sandler and some friends.  Old friends from SNL wanted to make a movie, so they did, unfortunately with Chris Farley no longer around, Kevin James fills the fat guy pants.
  • Knight & DayI can buy Cameron Diaz as a single woman who has trouble with men… but Tom Cruise as a secret agent??  Come to think of it, this is pretty well worn territory for both of them.

June 30th

  • Twilight: EclipseSome movie about werewolves and vampires, I’m not familiar with it by choice.

June (undetermined)

  • Love Ranch– Though it hasn’t chosen a release date yet… I felt the need to include this Taylor Hackford film because it stars his wife, Helen (too old to be that sexy) Mirren, and Joe (where the fuck have I been) Pesci.  It’s based on the real-life story of Joe and Sally Conforte, who in 1971 opened Mustang Ranch, the first legalized house of prostitution in Nevada.  I’m at least adding this to my netflix.  Despite the fact that with an Academy Award-worthy director and actors, it’s getting released in the summer.

July 2nd

  • The Last Airbender – Formerly known as Avatar: The Last Airbender, M. Night Shamalamadingdong says this is his best film.  Now I love me some 6th Sense, and upon re-watching Unbreakable is pretty good.  As far as his other films, god I hope he’s right.  It bodes well that this is the July 4th weekend movie… everything else stepped away.

July 7th

  • The Kids Are All Right – Two teenagers seek out their biological father (Mark Ruffalo), the kids bring him back into the fold with their mothers (Annette Bening, and Julianne Moore) and hilarity ensues.  So says the press release… I’m guessing it’s less “hilarity,” and more, “dry, Sideways, snicker in your seat next to the octagenarian,” funny.

July 9th

  • Cyrus – Mmmmmarisa Tomei.  Being that she shot a video for my website and all… I feel an obligation to say: Movie of the summer!!! Go see it!  Obligation aside… it’ll probably be cute and funny.  I like John C. Reilly and Jonah Hill doesn’t do anything for me in either direction so… I’ll give it a shot.
  • Despicable Me – Crazy bad guy plots to steal the moon.  Animated feature from universal.  Looks cute.  It seems to me that it’s rare when a sharp looking well-produced CGI film from a major studio turns out badly.  They work on the damn thing for 7 years, so there’s time to iron out kinks.  I’ll end this by just listing the voice cast: Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Kristen Wiig, Will Arnett, Danny McBride, Russell Brand, Jemaine Clement, Jack McBrayer, Julie Andrews, Miranda Cosgrove, Mindy Kaling.
  • Predators – What??!! Two Adrien Brody movies in one summer?!?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this one will probably not be as good, but will be more enjoyable… I know that makes no sense… but I rarely do.
  • Winnebago Man – A documentary about a guy who became “famous,” for cursing in a winnebago commercial that spread around the internet.  I would sooner see a documentary about Numa Numa kid.

July 16th

  • Inception – The guy that directed Dark Knight got together Leonardo DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard, and Ken Watanabe among others to make… um… a movie.  Honestly I have no idea what this movie is going to be about, but it looks REALLY cool and will probably be really fucking good.  But I’ve been wrong before.
  • The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – Re-cast the sorcerer bit from Disney’s Fantasia with real people… who’d you come up with?  Yeah, I didn’t pick those two either… My worry is Nic Cage.  He’s good in one movie every 5-8 years.  He was good in Kick-Ass… the odds are not with him for this.

July 23rd

  • Dinner for Schmucks –Steve Carell and Paul Rudd together again in a re-make of a really dark French film.  They lightened it up a bit and threw in Galifinakis.  Which means… I’m totally in.
  • Ramona and Beezus – Finally a Beverly Cleary movie!  I was partial to Judy Blume.  I literally could not care less about this film.  It’s got some Disney tween star and Tom Brady’s ex.  That’s all I’m giving you on this one.
  • Salt – Angelina Jolie playing a role that was written for Tom Cruise, I’m amazed that this hasn’t happened sooner.  There was a rumor going around that Tom was offered the lead in Tomb Raider but that’s neither here nor there.

July 30th

  • The Adjustment Bureau I’m glad they made another Bourne film, but I hope it’s not like Green Zone, what?  That wasn’t a Bourne movie?  What?  Neither is this? Coulda fooled me.  This one is supposed to be based on a Philip K Dick story, I worship the ground he walks on, but this looks to be a loosely based situation, and Dick can go wrong… see Paycheck?
  • Beastly – I think this is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast… but I have no idea.  I just know that Mary-Kate Olsen is in it… so it might just be a documentary about that cow.  Mary-Kate if you’re reading this, put down the fork! 
  • Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore – Remember a few lines up I said, “Dick can go wrong,” it was funny because it was in reference to sci-fi writer Philip K Dick, not about male genitalia.  Remember that Bond movie character named Pussy Galore?  Now…. remember that kids movie that made a reference to it?  It’s this one.  I’m not talking about it.
  • The Dry Land – Soldier returns from Iraq…. blah blah blah… trouble adjusting… blah blah blah… abondons the woman he left behind… blah blah blah… redemption.  Now you don’t have to see it.
  • Get Low – Robert Duvall as a guy who plans his own funeral when he was still alive so he could enjoy it.  Bill Murray’s addition makes is this almost irresistible, Tim McGraw is a bit of a curveball… add it to your netflix… go to the beach, summer is no time for a movie of this caliber.

July (undetermined)

  • Hairspray 2 – I didn’t see the first one and if you strapped me to an Clockwork Orange contraption and forced me to watch this one I would concentrate on making my eyes explode.
  • The Extra Man – A failed playwright turned male escort Kevin Kline mentors Paul Dano a troubled aspiring playwr- – – wait did that just say Kevin Kline male escort?  It did.

August 6

  • Mao’s Last Dancer – At the age of 11, Li Cunxin was plucked from a poor Chinese village by Madame Mao’s cultural delegates and taken to Beijing to study ballet. In 1979, during a cultural exchange to Texas, he fell in love with an American woman.  Top billing: Bruce Greenwood and Kyle Mac-Lachlan.  In that plot breakdown… you tell me who the fuck they play.
  • Middle Men – Yet another, “based on a true story,” movie this summer… this one focuses on the 2 guys who basically invent internet porn.  While I’ve never in my life been to a pornographic website (shhhh… my mother my be reading this), this movie looks like it might be really good.
  • The Other Guys – For every Bruce Willis and Reginald Vel Johnson, for every Mel GIbson and Danny Glover, for every Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker… there are two guys at a desk… those two guys apparently are Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.  I’ll go … one problem… Marky Mark told EW he’s very happy to be doing a comedy, he’s had bit parts in them, but he’s never starred in one.  Anyone else remember The Big Hit?  Didn’t he star in that? What was that?  A period drama?
  • Step Up 3D – If you live in NY, please don’t go so see this movie.   Because if you do, you might see me there, because I will be there.  I’m just not ready to face up to it yet.

August 13th

  • Eat, Pray, Love – When the plot synopsis includes the words, “married woman,” and “journey of self-discovery,” and it stars Julia Roberts.  I’ll be in the theatre … next door… seeing:
  • The Expendables – To quote the guy outside the movie theatre in Queens after seeing the trailer, “dis movie has got like every actor in it ever.”  I don’t know that it’s every actor ever, nor do I know if you can technically call everyone in this movie, an “actor.”  In case you haven’t heard, 2 cameos from Bruce Willis, and the Governator, you’ve got Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, Dolph Lungdren, Steve Austin, Charisma Carpenter, Brittany Murphy, Terry Crews, and Eric Roberts.  See you there.
  • Scott Pilgrim vs. the World –Michael Cera being his usual awkward self, having to turn action hero to defeat his new girlfriends exes.   I want to see this for a myriad of reasons.  I want to see this while not wearing pants for 3 reasons, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (in a different cotton candy colored wig in every scene), Alison Pill, and Anna Kendrick.

August 20th

  • The Lottery Ticket – Bow Wow, and Ice Cube star in a … you know what… not doing this.  See the title?  That’s what it’s about.  See the stars? There will also be some barking and a glass of lemonade sweaty with condensation
  • Nanny McPhee 2 – the first one was really cute.  I’m just sayin’.
  • The Switch – Ordinarily I would avoid a Jen Aniston rom-com, but I would watch Jason Bateman read a phonebook.  I may be all movied out by this point in the summer but I may still catch this one.
  • Takers – A crew doing high tech heists is pursued by a cop.  One of the stars likened it to Heat.  Wishful thinking I would say.  I’ll wait to see what the buzz is (tell me whats a happenin) when we get closer.

August 27th (ma birfday)

  • Centurion – Roman soldiers in Scotland… another stoner road comedy… just kidding… more swords and sweaty men… haven’t seen the trailer yet… but I do plan on catching up on Spartacus the series this summer… may put me in the mood.
  • Going the Distance – Drew Barrymore tarnishes the family name with yet another romantic comedy.  This one with her on again off again real life boyfriend Justin Long.  Jason Sudeikis is in it though, and if I hear he’s in more than 20 minutes of the movie, maybe I’ll rent it.
  • Piranha 3-D – Happy Birthday to me.

This concludes the summer movie round up.  I hope I’ve been helpful.  Feel free to let me know that I’m wrong or more likely very, very right about regarding this textual vomit about any of these movies.  Until next time… see you at the overpriced multi-plex.

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The calm after the storm

April 28, 2008

So I spent most of the weekend contorted into a little crampy ball. I am back at work today. At about 85% of myself. I gotta say I’ve mentally checked out of life this morning. Well, life as I currently know it. I have a chance at a couple of jobs this week (not interviews per se, but opportunities) that might afford me the chance to get away from the day job I’m currently at. I’ll be honest, if one of these doesn’t pan out… I really might disappear for a day and spend it crying. I’m not ashamed to admit that.  I was in a room last night where at one point I just spun in a circle and saw Morgan Freeman, Denis Leary, Frances McDormand, Steve Martin, Lorne Michaels, Mike Nichols, Amy Adams.  It was kind of ridiculous, the wattage in that room.  I am feeling more and more like I’m standing on the wrong side of the fence so to speak.  It’s time for me hop over.

Even this… this blog… it was a nice experiment I guess… I’ve posted now for an entire year. Starting on the myspace blog and recently moving here. 5 days a week for 365 days… over 3,000 links… over 30,000 hits… now I don’t know… it might just be over… I don’t have the energy… it might just be how I’m feeling today… I’m going through a rough one. I still don’t feel great, I miss my girlfriend, I really don’t want to be at this desk anymore, my coffee tastes horrible, I’m not even speaking to anyone in my office, I guess we’ll see how all this pans out. Until I figure it all out, it’ll be business as usual.

I guess it’s just a sign that I’m getting older that I no longer agree with half the picks on lists like this. I mean come on! Where is Valerie Bertinelli? Where is Chynna Wilson? Who is this Megan Fox girl?

FHM 100 Hottest Women of 2008

I would embed this, but as my friend Maddog says, my blog is like the Wu Tang Clan, it’s for the kids. I actually talked about this song a long time ago, but now it has an official video so it’s worth mentioning again since it’s a soon to be classic R&B ballad:

Smell Yo Dick

See, this is more wholesome, Miss Piggy… singing that classic by Peaches, “Fuck the Pain Away.”:

Now I know why computers come with 15 USB ports these days… my lame ass computer only has 3… how can I be expected to choose which crappy device to buy?:

10 Useless USB powered devices

Thank god for this website, it has been giving me lists that are basically suggestions for my netflix cue for quite some time now. There are some things on here that I can’t believe I’ve missed:

35 Most disgusting scenes from horror films

To balance that out… I’ve never been a fan of teen dramas, but I am a fan of their stars, especially when they try to tarnish their teen drama image by going topless:

10 Best topless scenes by teen drama stars

I used to call Innerspace, “the guy inside a guy movie,” which I see know can be horribly misinterpreted:

Movies through a child’s eyes

The first 30 seconds of this there is no video, but it kicks in… the first time this much THC has been on stage since Thomas Hayden Church accepted his nomination for Sideways (I’ll give you a second)… Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg duet:

If poisoning your body like the 74 year old country star and the 6’4″ hip hop mogul isn’t your bag… try some of these to get into their groove:

7 Common foods that actually get you high

If I could live anywhere, I would totally want to move to Mithlond, that’s the Elvish port town from Lord of the Rings. Those elf chicks are hot, and the place looks totally serene and beautiful. (My geek quotient just went up another 5 points):

8 Fictional cities you wouldn’t want to live in

I remember feeling like this on several occasions in my life, but I never followed through as well with the reaction:

What not to do when she says she has a boyfriend

Twisted inside and out

April 23, 2008

As I mentioned yesterday I’m going to be out of the office a bit the next two days because I have some pretty good opportunities arising in the media industry. I still might as well be at square one. See for those of you not in the know about how this acting thing works is you have to audition to be cast in something. You have to have a special card to get you into certain auditions, how does one get this card you may ask… easy… by being cast in a show that you need a card to get into the auditions. Sound impossible. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

There is an audition on Friday for a play coming to Broadway called Orphans, with two roles that are kinda perfect for me. The lead in the show has already been cast with Al Pacino in the lead. The audition is at least being held at Telsey which is a casting office and not at the building that I can’t even get into without a card. So my only shot at getting in is to go and sign up and hope that they see people without cards, which is a rarity, but if it does happen it usually because you sat there all day and waited patiently… which I can’t do on Friday because I will be at a network reading for some suits. Such is my life.

As if that wasn’t enough. There is a storm. It is a violent storm set to reek havoc on all it touches. This storm is inside me. I don’t know what I ate… but dear lord in heaven above make this stop. It’s been a turbulent morning. I’d feel kinda gross for even bringing this up but then I remembered Everyone Poops, in fact I recently found out that Everything Poops. (As I’ve mentioned before, I know some women who find that word detestable, but it ain’t my fault, that’s the name of the book) I got Ginger Ale and pepto for breakfast, so we’ll see how that goes. Again, I am sorry if I offended anyone’s delicate sensibilities.

Something I posted a long time ago… when campaigning for this election started, back in aught-five I think. But it’s good to throw here again just so you can help cut through the BS. Turns out I should be voting for exactly who I thought I was going to be voting for:

Who should you vote for?

I am too impressed by the sets and costumes to not put this clip here for everyone to see… A romantic sub-plot deleted scene from the original Star Wars:

No wonder I had such issues with Estonia yesterday, they’re all blotto on 2 dollar pints. How do I know? I can tell you how much a pint of beer is just about anywhere:

Pint Price

I hadn’t looked at this site in forever… for some reason I thought of it today… there is something so satisfying about watching stick figures get hurt really bad… some of the animations are actually quite impressive:

Stick Figure Death Theater

I’m surprised they didn’t latch on to the trend of making “darker,” and “feasible,” versions of characters… not that I’m knocking the practice… I’m actually quite pleased:

Pointless laws all comic book movies follow

Ahh, the NFL draft… only 3 and a half months to pre-season… the world is right again:

The worst drafting choices of the modern era

It’s time for a trip to the surreal… with… Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man… and Cream:

I’m glad someone is checking on that Martha Stewart. Sneaky one she is:

Counting Martha’s Threadcount

I have come to a point in my internet exploring life where no fetish will ever shock me again. I barely batted an eyelash when I found this:

Poorly photo shopped models being squeezed by snakes

Remember when Arsenio Hall used to do, “things that make you go hmm…?” No. You’re all too young to remember that. Well… this is like that, written by copywriter Justin Feinstein these are analogies to live by:

Blank is like Blank

Hungover

April 18, 2008

Few things to discuss… firstly I am very hungover. Did the Catered Affair opening night party last night. A good time was had by all. Kathy Lee Gifford touched my elbow and my crush on Rachel Dratch is a little bigger than it was previously. I am just glad I put the links together yesterday so I don’t have to do that right now and you guys still get your weekend fix.

Secondly… maybe it’s just because of my current state but I was way too excited this morning to get breakfast at McDonalds… and my excitement just about propelled me into the stratosphere when I noticed that Mickey D’s now sells a southern style chicken biscuit for breakfast. It’s not Chic-Fil-A but it’s damn close. If there is anyone hear in NY with the kind of scratch to open a Chic-Fil-A franchise in NY… do it. You’d have Sundays off, and you’d make a killing! Hell, just my purchases would keep you afloat.

Thirdly… this compare friends application on Facebook is evil… they send you little updates to let you know where you stand. I deleted it once but re-added it because I wanted to vote for my girlfriend as hottest, and smartest. Well… I don’t know how long I can keep it installed because it’s not great to start your day with such self-esteem crushing emails such as:

“Your friends have voted on your strengths and weaknesses:

STRENGTHS:
smartest
most tech-savvy
nicest smelling
most cuddly

WEAKNESSES:
craziest
most confident

* you were voted ‘better at science’ than Sydnie Grosberg Ronga”

I don’t even know who Sydnie is… but I’m glad I’m better at ‘science.’ I guess being weak in the craziest category is a good thing… but… smartest? most tech-savvy? nicest smelling? most cuddly? So I’m a fat nerd who wears perfume? What the hell people? Are you supposed to be my friends or what? Vote for me for sexiest, person you’d most want to make out with, person you’d most want to ‘do.’ That’s where the real glory lies… shallow traits!

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that if you get pulled over under suspicion of DUI, before the alphabet, before touching your nose, before the breathalizer… if you do this… you’re going to jail, it’s the only thing worse than pissing ‘off’ the cops:

Pissing ‘on’ the cops

All violence in mainstream entertainment makes me giggle like a school girl… but I’m an odd duck… these however are fodder that anyone can enjoy:

10 Acts of brutal violence that will make you laugh

Fact is… I’m not that much of an odd duck… there are perfectly rational explanations as to why I enjoy stuff like that without having to vivisect small animals:

Five reasons to watch movies that hurt you haunt you and make you want to vomit

Why had we not thought of checking here before… seriously… didn’t you see Lake Placid… those things are unstoppable:

Antibiotic properties of alligator blood being studied

I wonder if there is a chapter on Mommy’s low self-esteem and Daddy’s waning interest in sex:

Children’s book about Mommy’s plastic surgery

Holy crap!:

In case you are absolutely retarded… I just wanted you to know that the clip above was made as an April Fools Day joke by the BBC… those guys kick ass at that sort of thing.

These are all obnoxious for different reasons, some because they are bigger than any one person, or indeed multi-generational family would need, and some just cus they’re tacky:

9 Obnoxious Celebrity Homes

When Steve Martin is not acting he must always have a pen in hand because he is constantly writing. Even little pieces for Chicago newspapers:

Steve Martin’s Bad Neighbor Diary

I don’t play a lot of online games… (I’m not counting Xbox Live dues to the non-inclusion of texting) but what I have played this seems pretty hilariously accurate:

If WWII had been fought online

As far as I’m concerned… this is a pretty good list, though I am a Bourbon drinker so that by proxy is the manliest drink of all… one issue… no matter what they say, having a pink drink at the top of this list cannot be justified… it’s gotta go:

10 Manliest Drinks

I personally would hope I was wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts… you know… to keep it classy:

Top 10 shirts to be arrested in

I figure by now we’ve all seen the amazing opera singer guy and the little chorus boy from Britain’s Got Talent. America’s got talent has guys who play the spoons and quick change artists. We suck. We’re not even awesome on the same level as Holland who at least has hot chicks with really really hot tattoos:

Holland’s Got Strippers

They’re not the Post but CNN does sometimes have really poorly constructed headlines, this guy has taken notice of some of the good ones:

Illustrated CNN headlines

Ladies and gentleman… I have no words… I leave you this so that you may repeatedly watch it over the weekend… These are Japanese people (some in black face) impersonating the entire cast of We Are the World (pay special attention to the ooo’s and ahh’s each singer garners due to what I assume is the perceived uncanniness of their impression):

I’m going to see the Kids in the Hall Live tonight… bachelor party tomorrow… I’m doing an improv show Sunday night and working tech at the comedy club on Monday.

Nerd-like at best

April 15, 2008

Last night I was at a gala honoring Angela Lansbury.  She was the sweetest, most gracious, luminous human being I’ve met in a very long while.  If you ever get a chance to see her doing live theatre… go.

I’ve stated before that while being a huge nerd… I never got into Star Wars or Trek… but I’ve recently decided after reading an article about William Shatner’s classical training background… and with Patrick Stewart in town doing Macbeth… I want to mount a Shakespearean production using anyone who has ever been a captain on Star Trek. I’ve decided Hamlet would be the best one. Shatner would be Claudius, Stewart would be Polonius, Bakula as the Ghost of Hamlet’s Father, Mulgrew as Gertrude, by default this Chris Pine kid who’s playing Kirk in the new movie would have to be Hamlet.

The fact that I actually #1 – Had this idea. and #2 – Put this much thought into it has raised my “nerd quotient” at least 50 points. I apologize. To my readers, my girlfriend, my mother, and anyone else who is hurt by this.

All that speculation is because I love trying to cast properties with the best celebrities for the job. I’m not the only person who does this:

Ideal casting for Mike Tyson’s Punchout: The Movie

Women will go to great lengths to stay beautiful… and God bless them for it… but ladies, I don’t care if it makes you radiant beyond anything I’ve ever seen… if you’ve just had a tall glass of this, don’t come looking for a kiss from me:

Placenta

In the same realm of insanity… this site is a little naughty but then again how could it not be. Don’t worry ladies, the street goes both ways, if either one of us are wearing this, there will be no love connection:

Vulva scents

Speaking of creepy… what if Homer Simpson were a regular three dimensional Joe? Caution… might cause nightmares:

Real Life Homer

Speaking of Homer… I need to make vacation plans soon… and though I was there less than a year ago… Universal Studios is back at the top of my list because I will need to go for the opening of this:

Simpsons Ride

The future is just about here… as if it’s not bad enough we think people are talking to themselves until we see the telltale headset, now everyone will just look insane:

Bluetooth for your tooth

New bluetooth crap, that’s what we care about in this country. Meanwhile… in the news from around the world… take a look at this girl in Yemen whose father told her to marry a 30 year old man or be raped… the girl is 8. Tell me we wouldn’t be better off abolishing religion altogether:

8 Year old seeks divorce

Now that MMA and ultimate fighting is all the rage… boxing has lost some steam… but this reminds me just how awesome boxing can be:

Compilation of the greatest knockouts in boxing

Okay… they have released so many clips, I’m starting to feel like I’ve already seen the movie… I WILL still see the movie mind you… I’m going to go out on a limb and say probably more than once:

You know I used two forms of the verb, “see,” in the last sentence alone. Everyone has heard the philosophical pondering that the color green to me might not be the color green to you. What I have never thought of though is what the word, “see,” means to a blind person:

Blind children and the meaning of, “see.”

The Wall Street Journal was kind enough to draw a graph in case you are illiterate and unaware of how bad the situation is (which considering the situation, you might well be illiterate, in which case you aren’t reading this):

Presidential approval ratings

Flash games are getting more and more impressive. I still can’t actually play them… but I am none the less inspired by the technology to produce them… but this is mostly because I grew up playing Burgertime on Intellivision:

American Dad vs. Family Guy Kung Fu Hyper Mega Edition

Damn it… and I’m still here:

The Rapture happened a few weeks ago

Unwell

April 1, 2008

Not well today.  I’ll be brief.  Home.  Sick.  Not home sick… quite the opposite since i am home, how can I be sick for home while I’m at home.  I had a dream where I went to some party but I brought my laundry with me, then the people I came with left, and I didn’t know the guy whose party it was and he wanted to go to bed but i had dyed his table blue so while he was looking for cleaning products I snuck out but then realized I didn’t have my laundry bag so i was loosing like my entire wardrobe… did I mention I am on a lot of cold medication.

A friend of mine was looking for this, I had it on my old blog a long time ago, but I’m going to put it on this blog now that it’s kinda searchable, it’s a good resource for actors:

Accents database

And in honor of me being sick… everyone watch TV, LOTS of movies, and Fox and NBC shows including Simpsons, Family Guy, SNL, Arrested Development all in HD and all free… also fun for people on tour with nothing better to do… see you all tomorrow:

Hulu

I watched Enchanted finally last night. Eh. It was cute I guess. I’m now committed to doing the next Dare project. It’s on April 2nd. My play is still shopping for a director, the one I wrote that is. I will be in Dan Schultz’s Choose Your Own Adventure play. I am also doing the late night show at the Laugh Factory on Saturday night @ 11pm. I have 3 birthday parties to go to this weekend, rehearsals for 3 different shows and I plan on sleeping at some point. Silly me. Tonight? I have to look at some re-writes of my play, start learning lines and watch Lost. Maybe even play a little Lost. I got the video game in the mail from game fly… it’s more confusing than the show. Speaking of confusing… and shows… what the &^%* is the deal people?! What was Carly Smithson doing in the bottom 3 on American Idol? I had finally come to terms with the fact that my KLC was about to go AWOL… look I’ll get belligerent, but no I don’t actually call in and vote… that would be totally gay.

Based on the stupidity of America as a whole… this guy could actually have a strong campaign:

Viral video presidential candidate

Having seen 89 of these, I believe I am well on my way to achieving this goal. A goal I will also reach? Having no life whatsoever:

100 Movies Every Guy Should See

Thank god… you know I’ve avoided trying cocaine all this time just because I hate the taste of asprin… finally a coke we all can enjoy!:

Strawberry ‘flavored’ cocaine

As it turns out, if you edit together a lot of clips of people hurting themselves from America’s Funniest Home Videos and overlay a trance soundtrack on it and run it all a little slower than normal… it’s hilarious again. The woman nearer the end who rolls down the bouncy slide while flashing her undies and crushing children just about made me pee:

People gettin’ hurt compilation

The greatest list ever! I am still partial to Anya and Hayley… but I may have some new favorites now… not that I even watch the show. Maybe when they take it on the road and in Bulgaria, the government forces them to do it topless. Then I’m totally DVR’ing that action:

The Women of Deal or No Deal

I disagree Emmitt… I think the Packers do ‘has’ a running game:

The wisdom of Emmitt Smith

Dude… I posted a video of this thing in it’s earlier stages almost a year ago… the technology has advanced and it creeps me out even more… :

I’m still waiting for Tailor of Panama 2!:

Movie Sequels that came out waaaaaay too late

Way cooler than you would think. Not that I’d want to be there to watch one live… but I’d imagine my last thoughts would be, “That’s f*&^in’ beautiful.” Followed by, “I’m totally melting.”:

Nuclear Explosions

I would like to add certain brands of hair gel, and wallet chains to this list, I would also like to remove truck testicles from the list on the grounds that I think they are hilarious and a good way to find the Wal-mart. (ie. follow the guy with balls on his truck):

10 Items only douchebags buy