FREE Chicken Biscuits

May 15, 2008

I have “something to do,” this weekend… wink, wink… so I put together tomorrow and maybe even a bonus Saturday already… I’m going through another one of those fall off the planet phases of my life.  I have a wedding to go to on Saturday but that’s about it for social interaction.  I’ll be at one of the networks today helping out with screen tests… they aren’t screen testing me mind you… I’m just there for the screen testes (giggle… I just called them genitals) to have someone to read scenes with.  I’ve hit the big time baby!!

OH, and just an FYI if you were lured here by the headline… I had a free chicken biscuit for breakfast from McDonald’s and I’m probably going to have a chicken sandwich for lunch… because Mickey D’s is giving away free chicken sandwiches all day with the purchase of a beverage.  Thought you’d like to know.

Exactly one week from today I will have seen the next Indiana Jones movie… I’m going Wednesday night at midnight if anyone else is interested. In honor of that… I took this quiz with horrible grammatical errors and misprints… which is the only reason I believe I was 1 shy of a perfect score:

Take the Ultimate Indiana Jones Quiz

I suppose next they’ll tell me that drinking doesn’t really improve your ability to drive:

6 Most frequently quoted bullsh*t statistics

I didn’t watch any of these clips because I was busy watching the clip in the next link, but I’m sure these are funny:

10 Funniest Star Wars moments

This is why I didn’t watch any of the Star Wars clips… I was um… distracted… (after watching this for the 15th time you may get a little bored… walk away from it and come back later, it really holds up on entertainment value):

Well endowed women in bikinis riding giant bouncy balls in slow motion

Another case for not having children… ever:

3 year old has NEVER slept

A “desire path,” is an interesting thing that’s created by human beings. They are created by animals too I guess, but they don’t build sidewalks. When people will walk across one section of grass so often to shave a few seconds off of a stroll it wears away the grass… leaving what is called a, “desire path.”:

Desire Path photos

I used to be 200lbs. I dropped a good portion of that… I’ve recently gained some back… and the fact that I am compelled to buy this and it makes my philtrum moist from licking makes me realize I will soon be pushing 2 hundo again:

Pancake puff maker

A friend of mine has just started up a blog… if you are politically minded at all he’s a sharp guy who will either make you want to hug him or incite you to riot:

Deusexeverriculum

The greatest thing to ever happen to youtube… Playboy is conducting a model search for the 55th anniversary… and decided to accept submissions through youtube… brilliant:

55th Anniversary Playmate search

I’m going to add two brilliant lines to this list… while they wouldn’t technically fit into the list… they are relevant. 1) The Crow – Michael Wincott – “Quick impression for ya. Caw! Caw! Bang! Fuck I’m dead!” and 2) the Brian Bosworth classic Stone Cold – Lance Henriksen – “I leave you with the last words of my father, which were, “Don’t son, that gun’s loaded!””:

Top 10 Pre-death monologues in film

To think, I’ve been going around treating women well, taking them to dinner, buying them drinks, actually being interested in what they have to say… all of that has been in pursuit of seeing their nipples. There has to be an easier way! Now there is… according to the makers of this fine product, “Getting a woman’s shirt off has never been easier!” Ladies will line up for you to hold your measurement device up to their boob and present them with a sticker:

Nipple Gauge

Summer Movies

May 9, 2008

REVERSIBLE PANDA’S
2008 Summer Movie Guide
(Some dates subject to change)
(Click titles to watch trailer or something related if no trailer is available)

May 2 (Last Friday)

Iron Man – I think you all know my opinion on this one. Awesome. In case you hadn’t heard yet… Ironman 2 already has a release date. Same weekend 2010. Followed by Thor in June 2010, Captain America in May 2011, and the Avengers in July 2011. Thank you Marvel.

Made of Honor – I don’t know what to say… Michelle Monaghan is one of the most talented and beautiful (indeed she is among my top 5) actresses working today… but Michelle… I sat through the Heartbreak Kid for you… and that’s it… you get one… I’ll see you again when you do something not derivative of everything.

Redbelt – Chiwetel Ejiofor is one of those actors I could watch read the phone book. Except he’s not reading the phone book here, he’s reciting dialogue written by David Mamet. Mamet is a master of words, this however is a movie about Judo. “The Edge,” was a Mamet movie about man vs. nature and that turned out ok… but this one has Tim Allen… maybe I’ll wait for dvd.
Son of Rambow – I won’t queer myself any more than to say… this movie looks cute. I will totally rent it. Or go see it on a rainy day by myself if I’m feeling sad.

May 9 (Today)

Speed Racer – The first 3 minutes of this movie leaked out online. I watched it. My eyes bled. I no longer have any desire to see this film. Hey Wachowski brothers (er… brother and other)… let me break down your formula for you as it seems you haven’t done yet…

Bound – Gina Gershon & Jennifer Tilly are lesbians. Success!

The Matrix – Kung-Fu, Gun ballets, crazy slow motion action pioneering (bullet-time). Success!

The next two Matrix movies – preachy, heavy handed symbolism, less kung-fu, more CGI. Disappointing Success.

V for Vendetta – Preachy. Heavy handed allegory. Hot girl forced to shave head. More disappointing success.

Speed Racer – No lesbians, no kung-fu, a monkey, and a lot more CGI.

You see where I’m going with this guys?
What Happens in Vegas – I shant go near the theater for fear that at the end of the movie Ashton will run out and say, “You paid to see this!! You got punk’d!!!”

The Babysitters – I love seeing John Leguizamo in dramatic roles… the guy has got chops and the subject matter (high school girls offer other ‘services’ to the married men they babysit for) sounds well worn, but I can’t think of a movie that handled it like this. I’ll give this one the indie hopeful award.
The Fall – The last movie Tarsem Singh directed was The Cell, probably one of Jennifer Lopez’s only watchable movies. It really did have a few really interesting visuals (the vivisected horse anyone?). This wasn’t even going to get a release until David Fincher and Spike Jonze saw it and decided to throw some money into releasing it. That’s one hell of a vote of confidence.
The Tracey FragmentsI know nothing of this film other than it stars Ellen Page. It’s probably only going to be released in NY… which doesn’t bode well… and that Tracey spends part of the movie naked wearing only a curtain… which does bode well.

May 16 (Friday)

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian – The further adventures of Jesus lion. I’ll just stay home and re-watch Lord of the Rings thanks.

May 22 (Thursday)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – This gets the award for movie I will probably see 3 times in the theater. If I could find a theater that ran a marathon of all the Indy movies the day before I would be there for that. I pray to God they don’t shit all over the franchise. It’s looking good so far. Fingers crossed. In lieu of a theater screening… I will be watching the first 3 movies at home the week leading up to the release.

May 23 (Friday)

The Children of Huang Shi – The what of who? The cast include Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Radha Mitchell, Chow Yun Fat, Michelle Yeoh… ok… I’m intrigued. But why haven’t I heard of this til now?
War, Inc. – John Cusack… who I remember liking at some point in his career… has made some odd choices as of late. This time around he plays a hit man trying to kill some sort of oil baron in the middle east and wackiness ensues. Ok… so Gross Pointe Blank but in a desert. All right, I’ll give it a shot. At least you’re trying.

May 30 (Friday)

Sex and the City: The Movie – I can’t think of anything short of the offer of oral sex by all the female attendees of Hugh Hefner’s last birthday party. And seriously… if even one of them backs out, I’m not seein’ the movie.
The StrangersLet’s take Funny Games cross it with the Orphanage, throw Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman in it and release it as the horror alternative for guys the same weekend as Sex in the City. It would have been brilliant… if not for the fact that this was supposed to come out last year… that usually doesn’t inspire confidence.
The Foot Fist Way – Much in the same way that The Fall has been championed by people at the forefront of it’s style. Foot Fist Way is being touted by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay as the funniest damn thing they’ve ever seen. The trailer looks like it might provide a few laughs but I don’t know about going near a cinema the same weekend that chick movie is coming out. The amount of estrogen in the air might be enough to turn Rambo into Bambi.

June 6 (Friday)

Kung Fu Panda – Um… it’s about a panda. Who does Kung-Fu. Voiced by Jack Black. Other voices include Jackie Chan, and Ian Mc’fucking’Shane. Yeah… I’m going. What?
Mongol – This was nominated for an Academy Award for best Foreign Film. It’s about the rise of Genghis Khan. It’s epic, it’s violent… It’s subtitled… I’m a lazy American, I’ll wait for DVD.
You Don’t Mess with the ZohanThe concept sounds stupid. The concept for Sandler movies often does. This last trailer I saw… it actually looks like it won’t be awful. I refused to even see Chuck & Larry, it looked so stupid and that had Jessica Biel. So, me saying this looks half decent is saying a lot. Maybe a double feature with Panda.

The Go-Getter – a Sundance fave about a boy (Lou Taylor Pucci, from the over-rated Thumbsucker) who steals a car from a woman (Zooey Deschanel, from my pleasant dreams) to drive South to tell his brother that their mother died. Oh, and he wears a cowboy hat. Sounds like a real pick-me-up, thanks Sundance.
The Promotion – I’m kind of shocked they’re putting this one out the same weekend as Zohan, this one has the in my opinion, very under-rated Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly competing for a promotion. Throw in Jenna Fischer as Seann’s wife. Make it a mix of dry humor, slapstick comedy, and drama… and this is where I will be this weekend.

June 13 (Friday “the 13th”)

The Happening – I still haven’t even seen The Village or Lady in the Water, I didn’t like Signs, and Unbreakable actually isn’t bad if you forget that Sixth Sense existed. This one, if the trailer is to be believed, looks like some sort of mental illness that strikes humanity and causes them to kill themselves. Probably wind up being a rapture parable. Might be ok… I’ll wait to hear more.
The Incredible Hulk – I’d like to say that this looks leaps and bounds better than the Ang Lee Hulk. I’d like to say that. I won’t… because I’m going to try and keep my expectations low so I can enjoy this one. The cast certainly has gravitas… Ed Norton, Tim Roth… I’ll take the ride.

June 20 (Friday)

Get Smart – Brilliant property to bring back from television, brilliant vehicle for Steve Carell. I Spy didn’t work… but it didn’t have Anne Hathaway as female lead.
The Love Guru – I can’t say that this is going to suck. I mean, I’m pretty sure it will, but I thought Austin Powers would suck. This just looks like the same jokes with a different accent. So will it work? Never underestimate the stupidity of audiences. Give them a few lines that they can quote incessantly (Austin Powers), remind them of other things they thought were cool (Meet the Spartans) and they will turn out in droves.
ReligulousLarry Charles, the guy that directed Borat, this time uses the infinitely less likable (in most peoples opinions) Bill Maher to skewer religion. I think it will be hilarious and frightening all at the same time. Probably more focused on actually exposing religious zealots and laughing at them than on hairy fat guy scrotums dangled in the leads face (a la’ Borat)… but they’ll be fine because Bill Maher’s face already LOOKS like a scrotum. Zing!

June 27 (Friday)

Wall-E – Insiders are worried. Can a movie with a non-human, mute robot as a lead work? It’s Pixar. I guarantee it will work. It will be amazing. You will laugh, you will cry… it will win best animated feature, people will say it should be in the best picture category.
Wanted – More bullet-time than The Matrix, Angelina Jolie hanging out of cars, Morgan Freeman, AND Mr. Tumnus! Based on a comic book where a guy finds out because of his bloodline he has it in him to be a master assassin! Directed by the Russian guy that directed Nightwatch! Breathe. Don’t get your hopes up… this could be awesome. But if it isn’t… wait 5 days because here comes Will Smiff.

July 2 (Wednesday)

Hancock – Hmm… a July 4 weekend movie. Nothing else opening at all except an art house film? I wonder why? Oh… because Will Smith is in it and this is HIS weekend. Step off bitches! I also have to admit… I really think this may be THE new property to beat this summer. It may not top established franchises or comic book movies, but… this looks really, really good. I’m excited about it. The original title of the screenplay was Tonight… He Comes, and I had heard stories about it circulating Hollywood for years as everyones favorite script that no one would ever produce. There was an article last week in the New York times where director, Peter Berg (who I admire), said this is a much darker film then people think. They’ve tried to keep tight to the original script but there were somethings they just had to cut or change (statutory rape, drinking with a 12 year old, and drunk driving/flying are all cited as examples) to keep the studio happy. I am already excited for a very dark director’s cut on DVD.

July 3 (Thursday)

The Wackness – A heartwarming film about a teenage drug dealer and his drug using psychiatrist. I’ve actually heard a lot of good things about this one. I prefer to think of it as Ben Kingsley wanted to have a reason to make out with one of the Olsen twins so he somehow made this thing happen.

July 11 (Friday)

Hellboy II: The Golden Army – If you liked the first one (which I did) odds are you’ll love this one. If you didn’t care for the first one, odds are you’ll like this one. That’s my two cents. Frankly I don’t think Del Toro can make a misstep on this one. He cares too much about it.
Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D – If you see one Brendan Fraser movie this summer… wait til august and see the mummy. Seriously… the 3D gimmick isn’t coming back til James Cameron’s Avatar. Then we’ll see what’s what… but I don’t need to see lava flows and rocks comin’ at my head.
Meet Dave – Eddie Murphy needs new people. Seriously. Norbit? Pluto Nash? Now this? Who tells you these are good ideas? You clearly don’t realize how detrimental they are to you… you need to excise this person from your life as badly as Amy Winehouse needs to be separated from her dealer.

July 18 (Friday)

The Dark Knight – I’ve seen the leaked photos of two face, I’ve seen the Joker-tampered trailer… I don’t know that this is the type of thing that would’ve gotten Heath Ledger nominated were he not dead, but that’s what people are saying. From the looks of the trailer, his take on the icon does look exciting and I along with the rest of the movie going public am chomping at the bit to see if he left this mortal coil on a good note. I will be there on opening weekend.
Mamma Mia! – Here I go again. My, my, how can I resist you? I’ll tell you how… by not seeing you. Period.
Space Chimps – Andy Samberg as a chimp. Visionary. It’s not Pixar and it shows. Expect farting in a space suit jokes and some off color banana references. Buy me the DVD when it comes out but be sure to include a bad of hydroponic weed and a time machine to return me to age 5 when you present the gift to me so I can enjoy it.

July 25 (Friday)

American Teen – A documentary about 4 high school seniors in the middle of East Bumblefuck, Indiana. From the looks of the trailer and from the hype coming out of festivals… it might actually be a good movie. A slice of life of American High School. Here’s the problem, I went to an American high school, I in no way want to relive my high school experience so uncomfortably real. Breakfast Club, hell yeah. Real life… god no.
Step Brothers – Do you like Will Ferrell movies? See this one. Do you not like Will Ferrell movies? Skip it. It’s that easy people. If you don’t like him because he always winds up in his underwear and it’s supposed to be funny, and you just don’t get it… guess what? He’ll probably end up in his underwear again, and you still won’t think it’s funny. I am among those that see the humor in it.
The X-Files: I Want to Believe – Chris Carter… I want to believe that people still give a shit about the x-files too. But listen… the show ended 6 years ago. Yeah, just 6… that doesn’t seem that long ago to me either, but if I hadn’t just told me that it was only 6 years ago, I would’ve thought it was 15. If the trailer turns out ok I’ll think about it, but I’m not making any promises… it’s a busy summer.

Baghead – Sundance buzz movie. But wait… don’t skip ahead for your popcorn fix just yet. This movie is a horror film, well no, a comedy… but it’s kind of a drama. Apparently it’s everything rolled into one. It seems silly but it has a lot of buzz around it. Wait til you see the trailer and decide for yourself.

August 1 (Friday)

Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke – I love me some Chuck Palahniuk. Sam Rockwell just sweetens the deal for me. The book is about a sex-addict who sues people who save his life when he pretends to choke on something in a restaurant. I have to assume the movie is about that as well. That character is squarely in what I would call Rockwell’s wheelhouse… so yeah, I’ll buy a ticket to see that.
Midnight Meat Train – One weekend two great writers… this one comes from Clive Barker. We’ve got Bradley Cooper in the lead as a photographer who stumbles upon a grotesque crime (as they are prone to do in films like this)… a crime committed by Vinnie Jones (awesome). The cast is rounded out by Leslie Bibb, Brooke Shields?, and the ever more horror film present Roger Bart.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor – I liked the Mummy. I did. It was a good time. (The ride at the park in Orlando is pretty fantastic too) This one has Jet Li. It’ll be a good time. A popcorn movie sure, but I bet you leave the theater smiling.
The Rocker – Rainn Wilson’s first attempt at headlining a movie. I like him as Dwight on the Office… I don’t know if I’m ready to watch him do what looks to be School of Rock the sequel.

Swing Vote – Could be interesting, it looks like they fast tracked it and rushed everything being that it is a movie about the presidential election and they wanted to capitalize on it’s relevance. Kevin Costner has gone through so many weird phases in his career and this one looks like he’s back to that Bull Durham charm. I never saw Wag the Dog, I really liked Bullworth, but neither of those did huge box office… political comedy is hard.

Transsiberian – This one may only get NY and LA release… setting it on a train and calling it a Hitchcockian mystery makes me think it might be ok. The fact that it stars Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer, and Ben Kingsley, but is still only getting limited release makes me think it might fall a few rungs shy of Strangers on a Train. Emily Mortimer looks fantastic in the trailer and Kate Mara looks hot as hell. I’ll give it a shot if I’m burned out on blockbusters.

August 8 (Friday)

Pineapple Express – I am actually very excited about this one. James Franco is starting to grow on me. Not because of Spiderman or anything, just his Acting with James Franco videos on Funny or Die. In the trailer for this one he’s already getting kudos for being the “hot guy,” who takes the offbeat “ugly guy” role. I just give him kudos for driving with one foot comically stuck through the windshield. I think this one may be the best of comedy of the summer, until next week when Tropic Thunder comes out.
Hell Ride – You can’t count this one out. Sure it stars Joey Bishops son Larry. Sure it’s got Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen… neither of whom have carried a movie on their shoulders. But… you take that cast and say it’s a throwback to biker cinema and you question theatrical release. Now if I tell you it’s produced by Quentin Tarantino it all makes sense doesn’t it… and you kinda want to see don’t you? A biker revenge flick about a guy tracking down a gang called the 666’ers for killing his woman. Yeah. I’ll bite.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2Alexis Bledel is so hot I would CONSIDER watching this if I was home alone and flipping channels and I knew no one would ever find out about it and I wasn’t wearing pants… and I was drunk.

August 15 (Friday)

Star Wars: The Clone Wars – You know it’s funny. George Lucas was thinking… now that I’ve taken a dump all over my beloved franchise… let me go ahead and squeeze out another couple of yachts from the lifeless corpse of my child. I’ve give you the animated version of what happened between episodes II and III… alternately known as the episode that I fell asleep in the theater and the episode that was almost ok.
Tropic Thunder – Every genre has been parodied. Shockingly, the war movie has gotten off fairly easy. Aside from winks and nods in things like Hot Shots: Part Deux, this is new terrain. Throw in Robert Downey Jr. playing a black man and this solidifies the summer of 2008 as the summer of Robert Downey Jr.

Henry Poole Is Here – Luke Wilson in his umpteenth attempt at being a leading man. I’m pulling for him. He’s always had an understated non-acting style… like Duchovny. This one is about a guy who has given up on life until the face of Jesus appears on his stucco. Another Sundance darling it looks cute and has a soundtrack with everything from Bob Dylan to the Eels. Might be OK.

August 22 (Friday)

The Accidental Husband – Griffin Dunne has done some things that I’ve enjoyed… all of those things were as an actor with one notable exception (After Hours) as a producer. Dunne directs Uma Thurman in what I assume will be a romantic comedy. The plot that I’ve seen… “radio show host gets dumped and finds out she’s married to a man she’s never met…” makes me want to punch a baby.
Bangkok Dangerous – Two Chinese directors, the Pang brothers (One of whom’s first name is Oxide) are re-making their own movie. This time in Engrish. Wif Nicorass Cage! That was offensive… sorry. In fact in the original, the assassin that Nic is playing was a mute. That wasn’t gonna fly for Mr.Cage and English audiences, we need our anti-heroes to spew out one-liners. My point is why see what’s sure to be an inferior remake where it will be obvious that some aspects of the story are lost in translation when you can watch the original with the added bonus of it not starring Nicolas Cage? On the hand, lets cross our fingers that it’s a return to the Nicolas Cage I used to enjoy.
House Bunny – Anna Faris as a playboy bunny. I don’t think I have to say any more than that for you to know that I am seeing this movie. And as bonus… it’s a chick flick so I get points with the girlfriend for wanting to see it.
Towelhead (formerly Nothing is Private)- A film about a 13 year old Arab-American girl stuggling with her sexuality. Directed by Alan Ball, the guy who wrote American Beauty (which I still don’t give him full credit for since the original draft was a courtroom drama). The film partly concerns a middle aged guy (Aaron Eckhart), who develops a crush on the 13 year old Arab girl. If there is a shot of her naked with rose petals falling on her I’m calling shenanigans. If Alan Ball wasn’t gay I would think he has some kind of obsession with teenage girls. Of course this played Sundance and of course with this topic it was a critical darling. Will anyone other than film and cultural studies students care to see it? We’ll see.
Wild Child – I know nothing about this film other than it stars Emma Roberts. Ipso facto I probably won’t know anything about this movie even after it has come and gone from the theater. I tried to watch the trailer but 5 seconds in my brain told my hand to poke myself in the eyes as a means of self-preservation.

Hamlet 2 – This one sold for the highest price at Sundance but isn’t your typical festival fare. It was co-written by one of South Park’s head writers, it’s got Steve Coogan, Amy Poehler, Catherine Keener and features a song called, “Rock Me Sexy Jesus.” This will probably be my favorite indie of the summer.

August 29 (Friday)

Babylon A.D. – I really don’t want to tell you I’m looking forward to a Vin Diesel movie… but… the poster looks like Blade Runner and the trailer doesn’t give away much except it seems to take place in an American dystopia and there will be explosions and kicking in the face.
College – It’s Porky’s, Old School, Accepted, Revenge of the Nerds, Road Trip, SuperBad, Animal House, uh… ok… any movie starring teenagers where girls take their tops off, kids get drunk, there’s a party, and some kids probably learn there is more to life than just topless girls, drinking and partying. That about sums that up. Oh… and one of the stars is that kid from last season’s American Idol, Kevin Covais… remember the little mousy kid with the glasses who looked like he was 12… well now he’s in a movie. What have you done with your life?
Vicky Cristina Barcelona – Woody Allen’s next film with his latest muse Scarlett Johansson. As usual he’s assembled a ridiculously talented cast (Scarlett, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz among them), and he’s being “daring” by not shooting in his beloved NY and setting this one in Barcelona. I used to like Woody. Maybe I will again.

Well… that’s it kids… that’s your summer… enjoy it… ignore the beautiful weather and go sit in a movie house. People still call them that right? I’ll start readying the Fall Movie Movie Guide soon… starring:

Burn After Reading, Blindness, Death Race 3000, Max Payne, Quarantine, Saw V, Quantum of Solace and many, many more.

If this was your first time here, be sure to bookmark the page. Reversible Panda updates every M-F with tons of stuff to help you through the daily suck.

Twisted inside and out

April 23, 2008

As I mentioned yesterday I’m going to be out of the office a bit the next two days because I have some pretty good opportunities arising in the media industry. I still might as well be at square one. See for those of you not in the know about how this acting thing works is you have to audition to be cast in something. You have to have a special card to get you into certain auditions, how does one get this card you may ask… easy… by being cast in a show that you need a card to get into the auditions. Sound impossible. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

There is an audition on Friday for a play coming to Broadway called Orphans, with two roles that are kinda perfect for me. The lead in the show has already been cast with Al Pacino in the lead. The audition is at least being held at Telsey which is a casting office and not at the building that I can’t even get into without a card. So my only shot at getting in is to go and sign up and hope that they see people without cards, which is a rarity, but if it does happen it usually because you sat there all day and waited patiently… which I can’t do on Friday because I will be at a network reading for some suits. Such is my life.

As if that wasn’t enough. There is a storm. It is a violent storm set to reek havoc on all it touches. This storm is inside me. I don’t know what I ate… but dear lord in heaven above make this stop. It’s been a turbulent morning. I’d feel kinda gross for even bringing this up but then I remembered Everyone Poops, in fact I recently found out that Everything Poops. (As I’ve mentioned before, I know some women who find that word detestable, but it ain’t my fault, that’s the name of the book) I got Ginger Ale and pepto for breakfast, so we’ll see how that goes. Again, I am sorry if I offended anyone’s delicate sensibilities.

Something I posted a long time ago… when campaigning for this election started, back in aught-five I think. But it’s good to throw here again just so you can help cut through the BS. Turns out I should be voting for exactly who I thought I was going to be voting for:

Who should you vote for?

I am too impressed by the sets and costumes to not put this clip here for everyone to see… A romantic sub-plot deleted scene from the original Star Wars:

No wonder I had such issues with Estonia yesterday, they’re all blotto on 2 dollar pints. How do I know? I can tell you how much a pint of beer is just about anywhere:

Pint Price

I hadn’t looked at this site in forever… for some reason I thought of it today… there is something so satisfying about watching stick figures get hurt really bad… some of the animations are actually quite impressive:

Stick Figure Death Theater

I’m surprised they didn’t latch on to the trend of making “darker,” and “feasible,” versions of characters… not that I’m knocking the practice… I’m actually quite pleased:

Pointless laws all comic book movies follow

Ahh, the NFL draft… only 3 and a half months to pre-season… the world is right again:

The worst drafting choices of the modern era

It’s time for a trip to the surreal… with… Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man… and Cream:

I’m glad someone is checking on that Martha Stewart. Sneaky one she is:

Counting Martha’s Threadcount

I have come to a point in my internet exploring life where no fetish will ever shock me again. I barely batted an eyelash when I found this:

Poorly photo shopped models being squeezed by snakes

Remember when Arsenio Hall used to do, “things that make you go hmm…?” No. You’re all too young to remember that. Well… this is like that, written by copywriter Justin Feinstein these are analogies to live by:

Blank is like Blank

Broadway weekend

April 11, 2008

I’m going to see The Country Girl tonight on Broadway. Directed by Mike Nichols, starring Morgan Freeman, Frances McDormand and Peter Gallagher, I should be in for a pretty good ride. Tomorrow night I may be seeing Harvey Fierstein’s latest, A Catered Affair, so it’s a big theatre weekend for me. Other than that I’m trying to get myself together to get new headshots and maybe finally record a voice over demo. Why is it so hard sometimes to get yourself together enough to pursue something you want so badly. If Elvis wanted a peanut butter banana sandwich he made one… or he called someone and they made it and brought it to him. If I want to support myself entirely by acting, I should just go out and do that. Right? Well, there are a few more obstacles in my way than just the price of bananas and choosing between crunchy or smooth, or between white or wheat. I’m breaking them down one by one, but damn I wish I started this process back when I was young. I’m still young… but as a casting director told me yesterday… I read about 27-28 years old. Younger than I am, but still too old to play even a med student, I would have to be a doctor. Her words.

Uh oh creationists… when the snake offered that apple up to Eve… did he strut away confidently?

Snake with legs fossil found

Also found… a 37,000 year old immaculately preserved 3 month old mammoth:

Lubya

With new state of the art microphones we can look forward to a lot more things like this hitting our ears because frankly when you are working this hard and sweating this much you’re bound to drop one of these once in a while (and am I wrong for thinking that hearing Maria Sharapova curse is kind of hot?):

Top 10 Athlete F-bombs

Now athletes can be forgiven for the occasional verbal diarrhea. Doc Ellis however was throwing dragons over the plate one night and has no reason to apologize. Who knew LSD was performance enhancing?:

I threw a no-hitter on acid

Now, of course, I’ve never used a dating site… walking down the street without being mobbed by ladies is hard enough for me… but for those of you who do (this list includes the site “No Longer Lonely,” which a few of my exes might want to look into), here are some sites you should avoid:

5 Most ill-advised dating sites on the web

The fact of the matter is those websites will get traffic… because men are dumb and will do anything to get laid… in our defense, we’re not the only ones in the animal kingdom who are like that (you gotta love my segues today):

7 Members of the animal kingdom more desperate than us

I’m not even famous yet. Well, I’m a little famous, but not crazy famous… regardless… I already have a team of publicists working for me in case anything horrible happens…

Awesome celebrity arrests

Here’s an oldy but a goodie… a dance remix based solely on the fact that Wilfred Brimley pronounces diabetes in such an odd way:

Proof that even stupid people have a shot on gameshows that aren’t even based on picking a suitcase:

Luckiest people on gameshows

Warning: Geek link. I have to admit, I find the steampunk movement to be kind of cool. If you’re not familiar, steampunk is a re-imagining of the world in a Jules Verne like way. As if we all still relied on steam power in the 21st century. Anyway, if the concept alone wasn’t geeky enough for you, this guy made steampunk action figures:

Steampunk Star Wars and Justice League

Are the Japanese just that obsessed with this cat that grown male construction workers want it on products, or are they just forcing little girls to buff the splinters off of things?:

Hello Kitty power sander

Again… not surprisingly with these sort of lists, I’ve seen all but 3 of these films, and own more than half of them… I lead a sad little life. A life full of screams and laughter… but sad nonetheless:

27 Best horror-comedy films of all time

Even when I was lonely and on tour I never rented a spanktravision movie in a hotel… not because of a fear of shame mind you… mostly because they had horrible titles like these:

15 Worst hotel room pornos

I’ll leave you with something to keep you occupiedthe rest of the weekend… while I don’t agree with everything on the list… it’s still a pretty damn good list… have good weekend… enjoy:

50 Best Comedy sketches of all time

Spring has sprung

April 8, 2008

It is a balmy 44 degrees outside as I write this and already the women of New York have begun to dress like it’s 80. God bless them. I on the other hand am still wearing two shirts, a fleece and a jacket. I like to be prepared. I think my core body temperature has dropped to reptile like numbers. As mammals, we and birds are the only creatures that can regulate our own body temperatures. As I take this step backwards in evolution (you know, if you believe that crazy stuff) I am left to wonder what else is in store. Over the past 30,000 years the human brain has been getting progressively smaller. This isn’t to say Neanderthals were more intelligent than us… I’m just saying it’s possible as they had a lot more wiggle room. I realize that lately my blog has been taking this pharyngula-esque science turn but I’m in one of those phases right now. As human beings we are still above all else animals. Sure we’re not flinging dung at one another (most of us), but why? Gorillas, chimps, and other primates have lived in jungles for eons and have managed to not fuck up their own ecosystem. Us… not so much.

Wow. That was one hell of a tangent I just ran off on. I fully intended to talk about nothing but the skimpy clothing women in NY can’t wait to break out of their closets at the first hint of spring weather and I wind up talking about the superiority of lower primates. I have to start watching more reality tv so I can fit in with society.

Oh, and I’m playing around with the format of the page and the banner… if you feel strongly about any of the new design stuff I’m playing with let me know… but it will probably be changing around a little bit here and there.

I forgot all about Gigolo Jane… she is wicked hot… I would re-watch A.I. if I didn’t already have an appointment to have my soul crushed by a thoroughly disappointing film:

5 Lady bots you probably shouldn’t have sex with

Everything is better with giant meat in the background. Including astronauts, family vacations, and cowboys:

Meatscapes

These are all pretty bad… but I’m pretty sure I could watch #3 on a loop for a few hours without getting bored:

10 Funniest Workout videos

Well, thank God, I been lookin’ everywhere for it. And you say there’s a pet store outside… well… I’ll be tied to a tractor and moose farted!:

Yes, We have ‘coon!

We’re spoiled now that just about anyone can upload their embarrassment straight to the internet for mass consumption… there was a day when we would have to wait for odd people to drive down to their local tv station and cough up the dough to give them some air time. Thankfully someone recorded those events and uploaded them to the intertubes so future generations can feel the pain:

10 “Best” Public Access TV Moments of the 80s

Want some new fonts to play with? These guys have over 7000 for PC & Mac:

DaFont

Even if the doctor is right with her theory on how Mirin Dajo did his trick… I am still way more impressed by this guy than I will ever be by David Blaine:

I would furnish my entire house with those bean bag chairs:

Rejected Star Wars Merchandise

If you move to Singapore, you want this guy to be your friend:

Best name ever

Unfortunately this list does not include the origins of the phrase, “the cat’s ass.” According to urban dictionary, it is akin to saying, “bee’s knees,” or “dog’s bollocks.” I still prefer the cat’s ass because I firmly believe that the feline rectum houses all the mysteries of the universe:

10 Origins of Bizarre Sayings

This brings to mind the greatest line I’ve ever heard delivered in a porn film (not that I watch pornography),” I had to eat it.” In a close second, spoken in a thick European accent, “I want to take care of you.” I may be paraphrasing, and I’m sure Tim will correct me, but the jist of it is with the accent it sounds more like, “I gwaana tek car ovv gwyu.”:

10 “Best” performances in porn

Speaking of porn, here are some paper dolls for that cross-section of the populace that is old enough to enjoy naked cartoon chicks, while still enjoying playing dress-up with paper dolls:

Penthouse Paper Dolls

I’m just starting out teaching myself how to use photoshop but I’m fairly certain I can do a better job than these people who are supposedly being paid to give Beyonce three arms:

Photoshop blunders in media

As a native of New Orleans I am passing along some sad news. Perhaps our biggest local celebrity, Al Copeland, passed away on Sunday. Al was the founder of Popeye’s chicken. He since opened several fine dining restaurants in the city but the nation knows him for his chicken chain. I will remember him for several years of fond childhood Xmas memories. He had a house with a huge lawn that every year he decorated with 30 foot high electric snowmen and reindeer, we would drive over and get in the line to circle his house in the car and gawk at the extravaganza. Perhaps tonight I will stop and get a buttermilk biscuit and think of him.

I am absolutely astounded at this… if today was April 1st I would throw the shenanigans flag and walk away with a smile… but apparently this is for real and might just be the most amazing thing I have ever read:

The human body capable of regeneration (with the use of pig bladders!?!?)

There is one book in particular on this list that several friends have read and truly do believe in… I think it’s utter bullshit, but I also believe that if it gives them strength and a positive outlook, good for them. It’s just not for me. I will however continue to laugh behind their backs:

8 Self-help books that will do nothing of the sort

Someone have kids so I can get them this thing and then come over and play with it:

Cardboard Cubby

Here’s a phrase I never thought I’d see, “toilet paper algorithms.”:

How do you use your TP?

When you are talking about a design school in the Netherlands, some of the stuff is going to be ‘out there,’ but I really want the lamp that knits its own shade:

Design Academy Exhibit

I posted a clip yesterday from Jackie Chan’s upcoming film… this list is the reason why I will probably go see just about anything he does:

Top 10 Jackie Chan Stunts

An odd idea for a project, probably wouldn’t work in my neighborhood as I would either wind up with 24 pictures of some guys junk or not have a camera after about 5 minutes:

Stranger photos have happened

Star Wars isn’t really one of my favorite things. It’s like Stones vs. Beatles with Trek vs. Wars. The only difference being… I don’t really feel passionate about either. I will however continue to find things like this and post them because it’s the internet. There will never be a dearth of Star Wars related material on the inter tubes:

10 Best Star Wars related videos

I have owned the musical film Reefer Madness for quite sometime… I just haven’t gotten around to watching it… tonight I will go home and rip my apartment to pieces to find it… I had no idea it was this good… and by this good I mean, I didn’t know Kristen Bell wore a dominatrix outfit… I just made my own day:

It says a lot when you think, “You know, sticking a lemon into your hoo haa is a pretty sane and rational way to prevent pregnancy… comparatively.”:

10 Terrifying forms of contraception through history

I scored 8 out of 11, I guess that makes me a connoisseur:

Cleavage or ass crack

Not included in this list… practicing zen calligraphy on your face with a razor:

6 Ways to get street cred without breaking the law

I knew there would be a second coming… but… heaven must’ve f*&’ed up some paperwork, because this is not what I was expecting. I thought he might take a different form, a flamingo, a daschund, an asian woman… but a cheeto? :

All hail Cheesus